心魔

Recently I've totally lost my mind. The formula which I've been using for 30 years is now not working. Lose confidence, lose decision-making ability, lose problem-solving skill. I don't know what to do. I become not myself. The feeling is so strange. I've tried to be a 'good' person (at least, pretend to be) for the past 30 years. Now I don't know how to face my 'dark' side, another me. I don't like that dark side, and don't know how to control her. My mentality is so weak!

Many things I thought I knew, but actually I don't know.
Many things I thought I was, but actually I'm not.
Many things I thought I could do, but actually I don't have such ability.

Who am I? What will I be? I'm so scared. Scared about future. Scared to influence others.

I'm sick, I knew. Seriously. I prayed and prayed. Now I start to read Bible and Buddha stories. Hope that God will guide me the way and Wisdom will lead me the correct road.

One thing, the most important thing, I wish, truly from my heart: I hope my sickness won't hurt the people I love.